P.s. Sorry! I totally lied... :)

P.s. I totally lied....

I thought I got my writing out of my system for the time being but I didn't.  Its been bugging me all afternoon and I need to finish and empty my head the rest of the way.  Even if  this is just for me to read when I'm 87 and remember this experience vividly.  I'm not the best story teller or most descriptive person.  I just tell the story straight up even though its the really really long version :).   I have the coolest things happen to me, with the coolest people all of the time but this is just the most recent: 

I booked my flight a couple weeks ago to visit my daughter and her family in North Carolina.  I didn't have many options when flying out of a smaller airport, into an even smaller airport that is across the country.   I would leave at 6am out of Billings, arrive in Salt Lake at the time my next flight would've already started boarding with 30 min til take-off, and on to Atlanta Georgia where I would have a good 3 hr layover.  I was real nervous about the 30 minutes I had to get to my gate in Salt Lake so I paid extra to upgrade my seat to Priority Seating.  Priority seating sits right behind First Class so I could get out real quick to find my next gate and hopefully not miss my flight.   It only cost me $9.99 to upgrade and the seats are much roomier and more comfortable.  Thank goodness I was able to get off my flight and to my next flight just in time.  I had tried to upgrade my next flight as well, just for fun, but there were no upgrades available.  I was a little disappointed but little did I know the Universe was once again working its power. 

I boarded the flight to Atlanta a little out of breathe but relieved that I'd made it in time.  This was a bigger plane with two seats to the right, the middle section with 3 seats and another section to my left with 2 seats.  I was seated towards the back of the plane in the middle seat of the middle section.  Ugh, prob my least favorite spot.  I always prefer the isle seat but I had no options for this flight and was just happy I didn't miss it.   As I walked down the isle looking for my row, counting ahead to find my seat, I saw that there were already two gentlemen seated in the seats on either side of my middle seat.   As I sat down I noticed the man on my left was in a business suit on his computer busy typing away on his keyboard.  He glanced up and smiled.  The man on my right was dressed in sweatshirt shorts, a t-shirt, tennis shoes and a baseball cap.  He was a big man, not overweight but big with a scruffy unshaven face and tattooed sleaves down both arms.  He was super friendly and if I hadn't known better I would judge him as a sort of a redneck.  Nothing wrong with rednecks but I ended up being wrong as usual.  I love it when I'm wrong because it shows me once again the whole "book by its cover" concept.  

The flight was about to take off and I noticed the businessman was sitting on my seatbelt.  He apologized and asked me where I was headed.  I told him I was headed to North Carolina and we had a brief friendly conversation.  The man on my right had overheard our conversation, waited until we were done, and then asked me where at In North Carolina was I headed?  I told him Jacksonville.   He was from Ashville, north west in the mountainous parts of NC.  He said that he and his business partner, sitting across the isle from him, had been in Kalispell MT on vacation.  His business partner looked about the same age, mid to later 30's and real outdoorsy as well.  I had to ask what type of business they had as I was really curious because my first impression wasn't that of businessmen.   He told me that he and his partner ran a couple Addiction Recovery houses in North Carolina.  They were high end, new age, after-care recovery programs something like a half-way house but the clients were there by choice not court ordered.   He said their program was very expensive because they wanted to be able to give their clients a beautiful home and be able to do extreme activities like skydiving, river rafting, snowboarding, skiing, surfing etc.  etc.  He said they wanted to be able to show addicts how to have extreme highs and fun while sober.  He also told me how his staff taught the clients how to live in this world doing day to day tasks while sober as many addicts don't know how.  Their program was approximately 9-12 months long, they housed men ages 18-27, and they were pretty successful at it.   He was very enthusiastic telling me about their mission statement and how they wanted to help as many people as they could.  He said they gave back a lot of their earnings in helping other programs and giving to those in need.  He told me they even take in homeless junkies off the street (he informed me that both he and his business partner were recovering junkies), and went on to explain to me what a homeless junkie was as if I had no clue!   I informed him that I had a son that had been homeless and was an addict but I wasn't sure if he was currently using drugs or not.  He looked a little shocked and very curious.  He asked me many questions about my son and listened with compassion and understanding.   He was very interested in him and sympathetic of my journey with him thus far.  

Our flight was 3 hrs and 45 minutes long but it felt like 20 minutes.  He told me about his fiancé and his dogs.  I told him about my goofy pets.   I was so thankful that I got to have such a nice conversation with such an interesting person for that long flight, especially if I had to sit in the middle AND  in the back.  As we were getting ready to land, my new friend told me to be sure to checkout their recovery house website.  He said to go to the "contact us" link and get the phone number off of it and give it to my son.  And then he said, and ill never quit getting goosebumps when I tell this, he said  if my son would call him, he would fly him out to NC immediately and scholarship him into his recovery program for a year.   WHAT?!   I was in shock and numb at first and then reality hit and I was fighting back tears. Omg,  what a kind offer from a stranger.  I couldn't believe it. I knew right then, 100%, why I wasn't able to upgrade my seat.  It was meant to be.   I was full of that warmth that is unexplained by words and happens when something bigger than reality occurs.   I didn't know what to say.  I thanked him from the bottom of my heart.  He told me to let people know about their program because they wanted to help as many addicts as they could.  He said, I may never hear from your son but I'll never forget about him or our conversation and he walked off the plane.  Once again I had to watch to see if he was going to disappear into into thin air like the angel that he was for me.  Nope-  he kept on walking.  No matter what happened after this moment, I would never forget it.

  I got off the plane, got myself together and called my mom because I just had to tell someone.  Then I called my son and told him about this amazing option.   He had been trying to call me at the same time to let me know that Job Corps had contacted him and he had been re-accepted into the program.  He thought the recovery program sounded awesome but really needed the job training more than anything and was clean of drugs and alcohol.   Wow.  Great news all around.  He ended up checking into Job Corps 5 days later.   I was able to contact my new friend via his website and thank him for his offer and give him my sons status with Job Corps.   He assured me that his invitation was an open one.  Another wow. 

I know that this story isn't over and I'm not quite sure how it will end.  Who knows if my son will ever go into the recovery program, maybe it'll be someone else I know.   But for some reason, this happened to me and it can only have a great ending.  I can't wait to find out what happens next and I love when these universe moving, energy connecting, amazing life events happen to me.  They happen all the time and I'm ready, open and waiting for the next one :).  To  be continued....

Pass it on:

Myrealrecovery.com 

Just me, rambling away...

I've been itching to write, it's been killing me so here it goes and I'm not sure what I'm even going to say.  I never  know what might come out of my thoughts it might not even make sense or be in order,  but here I go...

It's the holidays and I made a pact with myself that I wasn't going to focus on the sad like I usually do.  I normally can cry at the drop of a hat at Christmas time because I would focus on the kids that are hungry, wearing old grown out of clothes and abused and neglected.   I think because my kids have been so blessed with "things" and at Christmas its magnified, it forces me even more so to think of others that aren't as lucky.   SO THIS YEAR, I'm not focusing on the problems, Im focusing on what I can do.   Even though it may be small in comparison to the sadness, it still can make a difference.  The ripple effect will take over and who knows where it will go.  If we all did even 1 kind gesture this season, the results would be endless.  This year I'm going to focus on all the GOOD that people do for others in the world.  There really is a lot of it.  And like I always say and know to be true: "What we focus on, we get more of".   I am becoming aware of all the different groups that are doing wonderful things around Billings, it's awesome and the more I know of, theres even more I hear about :).   We live in a great city.  We are blessed.

I read somewhere that during the Holidays, people have/create the most problems in their relationships.  I think there is a lot of stress and frustration that the season brings.  There is so much emphasis on the retail side of things and keeping up with the Jones's that we can be stretched way beyond our means causing friction in our relationships.   I had a very wise woman once tell me that it's pretty amazing that ANY of us have good relationships with all the hurt, anger, and fear that we all carry around.   We've all been wounded and have baggage that affects our current relationships no matter how long ago the hurt happened.   Most times we don't even realize that we are punishing the ones that love us because of damage done by others from our past.  Once we stop being the victim, choose to let go, forgive ourselves and those that have hurt us, really love who we are, I know we can heal.   What a long process this has been for me as I keep plugging along.   Very rewarding though.  I've been practicing over a period of time to try to always respond with love even when someone is unloving, rude, hurtful, or just hard to be around.  I'm certainly not perfect at it and sometimes I really suck, but I'm not giving up!   One thing that REALLY helps me is to know and remind myself that whoever I come in contact with is really 2 spirits.  A soul, and an ego.   I believe we all have both of these inside of us.  I believe our soul is pure, full of forgiveness and grace, kind, compassionate and all that is love.  It is the part of us that is GOD breathed.  We also have the ego that is very damaged, and hurt, and full of the lies we've been told about ourselves that we believe.  It is fear, anger, sadness.  The ego develops over time and is constantly fed by ourselves as well as other hurt egos.   When I meet someone that is angry or hurtful, I remember that there is a soul inside of that person that is being clouded over by the ego. This person is deeply hurting.  It helps me to have compassion and forgiveness remembering they are acting with their ego.  I think of what must have happened in their life to make them so sad and act out.  They are just hurting too.

 “To love is to recognize yourself in another.” ― Eckhart Tolle 

This whole concept helps me with myself as well.  When I feel the ugliness starting to brew inside of me, I try to acknowledge it so I can try to separate from my ego.  Take a deep breath, relax,  lean back and let it pass right on by.  It works!   Let it pass right on by.  Focus on my center, and let it fill with compassion for myself.   The more I do this, the more my ego will dissolve and I can respond instead of react.   It's so fun when I actually do it and find, once again, that it works :).   And then I smile and forgive myself for how ugly I was just a few seconds earlier.   I'm not always so good at this, but I am getting better at recognizing it and that's the biggest step. 

“The highest form of human intelligence is to observe yourself without judgement.” ― Jiddu Krishnamurti

It helped me so much to learn that what happens to me, doesn't define me.   My past doesn't define me.   I can begin TODAY and define who I want to be.

  “The past has no power over the present moment.  Nothing ever happened in the past that can prevent you from being present now; and if the past cannot prevent you from being present now, what power does it have?"   - Eckhart Tolle  

Do I sound crazy yet??!!  If not, let me see what else I can share ......... ;-).  Hmmmmm, I think I'll keep this post short.  My ADD is on rapidfire today but I just want to say one last thing.  Remember that we are all one.  Remember that WE ARE ALL IN THIS TOGETHER!  

Ok...Gotta go start some ripples - join me? <3

Happy Holidays to all you beautiful souls, even to all you ugly ego's.  :-)

GOD BLESS

"Symbols are miracles we have recorded into language." ~ S. Kelley Harrell

"In mathematics, two angles that are said to coincide fit together perfectly.  The word coincidence does not describe luck or mistakes. It describes that which fits together perfectly." ~ Wayne Dyer

SIDENOTE:  Please excuse my improper punctuation etc etc... Oh and  please excuse all of the {"coincidence"} words in quotes. I know it gets annoying but  I just really like to say it that way.....  :-P   

     When I was young (elementary school age),  if I would see a piece of paper on the ground,  I would always have to stop and grab it to see if maybe, just maybe, God had written me a message on it.   I had kind of forgotten about this ritual of mine until my cousin reminded me of it at my Grampa's funeral last February.  My cousin and I are the same age, grew up together, and graduated together.  She told me that whenever she sees a piece of paper on the ground, she thinks of little me and my hopeful messages from God.  :).   Wouldn't it be so cool if we were always LOOKING for the messages being given and were fully aware that they could be all around us?  Although I never found a written message from God on one of those papers I picked up,  if I pay attention now,  the signs and messages are endless. 

      I try to work on being balanced and living in the moment most of the time and some days I'm much better at it than others.  It is such a peaceful, content feeling when I'm there.   Like I've said in previous posts, gratitude will get me there every time.   I have many goosebump-raising experiences that happen when my head isnt so cluttered with "stuff" and I'm able to concentrate on being here, right now, and remembering how blessed I am.  If I allow clutter and negativity in, I'm blocked from experiencing wonderful "coincidences" all around me.  

     Sometimes these messages can be very subtle but extremely powerful.   For example, I read a book that suggested finding a symbol that would represent and remind me of my own personal gratitude.   It could be anything, a certain flower, animal, or any symbol like a star, a clover, a rainbow etc.  The purpose for choosing this symbol was that everytime I saw it, I would be reminded to be grateful.   My symbol could appear on a magazine cover at the grocery store, on a picture, a postcard, a calendar, on a wall, in real life, etc...usually right when I need a reminder.    I had some pretty cool experiences with Robins after my Grampa's death and Robins have a way of sending peaceful energy to me.   So, unrelated to my  Grampa, I chose the Robin as my symbol of gratitude.   I see Robins more than ever now and each time I do, I adjust my attitude if it needs it and remind myself to be grateful.   This always works by putting me back in the moment with a clearer mind.    Like I've also said before, I don't believe in coincidences, I believe they are some type of message or sign from up above.  Once you choose your symbol, it will show up in the most random ways at the best times and  when you need it most.  It's amazing how this works.   

     Earlier this spring I was noticing how my landscaping really needed some help.   We've lived in this house for 6 years now and I've maintained the nice yard and landscaped areas myself, but after this long, I just needed some help in replacing a few shrubs and plants here and there and shaping it up.   I love to mow the lawn and do the basic upkeep.  I'm the grounds keeper of the family by choice, but this year there was much more needed than the basic spring clean up.  I posted on Facebook to see if anyone had any recommendations of landscapers that weren't super expensive and that wanted some work.   We called around and left many messages.  We only had one call back but got a quote done.  $3500  was the quote.   My lawn is not really big and the landscaping is nice but pretty basic and there's not a lot of it.   I just couldn't justify paying that much for what my lawn needed.   After avoiding it for a few weeks, I decided to get my butt out there and just do the best I could to take care of it myself.   There was a lot to do and I had no idea what I was doing, but I dug in.   Of course I didn't wear gloves, so I had cuts and scrapes on my hands and legs from the rose bushes and from cleaning out all the dead plants and shrubs.   After about 3 hours out in the hot sun, I had the front yard looking a bit better so I moved on to the back.   It was a super hot day and I was doing a lot of bending and lifting and pulling.   Of course I didn't stop to eat lunch or take a break other than grabbing a bottle of water now and then.   I was getting super crabby and sore and tired and HUNGRY (I'm not very fun or nice when I'm hungry, just ask Kevin).    I was starting to see an end in sight in the backyard, after another 4 1/2 hrs of work,  but I was bitching and complaining in my head the whole time.   I was mad that I was out there when I had so many other things to do, and my back and legs were killing me from the up-downs I'd been doing for almost 8 hrs straight.   I was sunburned, starving, and extremely sore.  My hands were bleeding and cut from the thorns and branches,  I was mad at Kevin (?), mad that nobody was helping me, mad that it hadn't already been done, and I was building up big negative momentum.   I was almost finished with what I could do and was pulling out a massive pile of dead vines when something caught my eye.   Underneath the pile, was a cracked ROBIN egg shell.  It was a beautiful blue cracked open shell just laying there.   It literally took my breath away.  Here was my symbol, and I recognized it.   I hadn't realized how negative my thoughts had gotten throughout the day, they had really crept up on me.   I sat there very still.   My eyes filled with water but in a goosebump-raising way.   I KNEW this wasn't an accidental occurrence.   Something higher than me was intervening and I really needed an attitude adjustment at that moment.   Thank goodness I was able to recognize and was aware of the clues that were being given to me.   Immediately I started to think about all the money I was saving by doing the landscaping myself,  how great of a workout I was getting by doing all of it,  I was thankful that I was healthy and able to get out there and do it,  thankful that I had the time to spend 8 hours outside, grateful for my amazing tan after spending 8 hours in the sun, appreciative at  how nice my yard looked even though it was done by an amateur,  thankful for how much I learned about landscaping by doing it myself.    I was flooded with gratitude and it humbled me.   Thank you, thank you, thank you , for moments like these.   I am forever thankful for the messages I get all around me. 

     I have many "coincidences"  that happen to me (we ALL do) and I love it when I "get it".   Its such a warm feeling of empowerment and humility mixed with unconditional love from a very powerful source.  

     Another one of my "coincidences" I want to share was getting my cockatiel Robert Stroud , but first I have to take you back about 2 months prior.    I always like to have a giving/helping type project that I'm working on and most times I don't tell anyone about it because it feels more gratifying that way.  I don't do these projects for acknowledgement, or for show, or pats on the back.  I do them because it feels good to me to help someone out and maybe make a difference along the way.  It helps me feel balanced and positive and hopefully its catchy.   Every once in a while I have to let a few people know about it because I need their help or opinion about something relating to my project.   I am a little leary about sharing this specific example but the "coincidences" are so blatant that I just have to.   Anyway,  I have been working on a project, inspired by my son, involving getting socks for the Yellowstone County Detention Facility inmates.   My son had spent some time there a while back and  I remember vividly,  a conversation between a few inmates about what a luxery socks were for them in jail.   I had much compassion for these inmates especially after hearing some of their life stories during Family Week at the jail-based treatment program my son was attending.   Most of the inmates had real sad histories.   My heart was heavy for all of them, even the seemingly harden criminals.   I'll always remember the conversation I overheard about their socks and Ill never forget how I felt for wanting a newer car at the time, a newer car seemed so materialistic and unnecessary all of a sudden.   Socks are not something the inmates automatically get when they check in.   They have to buy them through the jail and in order to do that, they  have to have money on their books.  Having money on your books means that someone outside of jail brought in money for you to use to order things such as socks, snacks, etc.   I made sure that my son had socks but there are many many inmates that don't have the luxury of money on their books for anything.    Please know that my head fully understands that these guys are in jail for a reason and they deserve the consequences that are given without luxuries,  but my heart doesn't understand the conditions in which they are put and how they are treated.   Ive written about how much my son has taught me and one of them is compassion, compassion for inmates...for my own child was once one of them.   The discussion of the luxury of socks in jail sat heavy on my heart for some time even after my son was released from jail.  Once in a while even after a few years passed,  I would think about it and feel for the inmates.   When I would happen to drive by the jail or the building the jail-based treatment program was held at, I would go back to that conversation and think about the socks.   I understand that socks are such a small detail in the scheme of life and not a basic survival necessity but FOR SOME REASON, that I may never know,  the thought of not having socks really haunted me.   Five years have gone by and I was still being  reminded of the socks more and more.   I realized  it must be something Im supposed to give my attention to so I became more aware of the messages given.  I began my project to get every inmate in the YCDC a pair of thick, warm socks.   I had been working on this project a few weeks before Robert Stroud came into my life....

      ...One normal crazy Thursday, I was running my errands and ran into the pet store to grab crickets for the Gecko.   I have a pet Gecko that I feed crickets to once a week.   I have walked by the birds (at the pet store) once a week, every week, for the past 10 years to get crickets and have never been tempted or even thought about getting a bird.  This particular day,  I walked by the birds as I always do, and there he was looking at me with his beady little eyes.   I'm not sure what happened in that moment, but I knew I was taking that bird home.   I didn't even ask Kevin because I knew he'd say no.   " No more livestock",  has come out of his mouth many times.   I knew I was getting this bird the minute I saw him.     Sounds weird and hokey I know, but it's how it was.   I learned he had already been named Robert Stroud by his former owners, but I thought it was a pretty boring name.   Maybe the former family's last name was Stroud?   A few days later, in a cool/strange "coincidental" way,  I found out Robert Stroud was the name of an actual person and there is a 1962 Burt Lancaster movie about him called "The Birdman of Alcatraz".   It's a true story about the life of Robert Stroud.   He was a murderer in prison that was being held in permanent isolation who redeems himself when he becomes a renowned bird expert.   My curiosity got the best of me and I rented the movie.   I was feeling the beginning ripples of my "coincidence" when I learned my bird was named after a prisoner, right in the middle of my project that was inspired by inmates.   In the movie,  Burt Lancaster (as Robert Stroud) finds a baby bird in an uprooted nest, getting soaked by the rain, out in his solitary confinement courtyard.    Robert takes the cold baby bird into his cell, slowly takes off his warm SOCK,  and rolls it down to make a comfy nest for this struggling baby chick.

 ....Goosebumps .....  

     The depth of symbolism in this experience of mine is endless.  I could go on and on,  but I knew right then, this cockatiel named Robert Stroud, was meant to be mine. 

        I love when I  "get it".    I love the messages that are given to me all of the time, and I love when I'm aware enough to receive them.   I love having that connection with the soul.   I love knowing there is so much more in store for me, and I love sharing my experiences with others and hearing their's.   I'm a work in progress and  the life-lessons and experiences, good and bad,  along the way are all so worth it. 

     So now, whenever I see a piece of paper blowing around outside, it reminds me of that little girl desperately searching for messages and her eagerness to find them.  She still lives inside of me and that makes me smile and fill  up with compassion for her.   I want to wake up every morning with that same ambition, and I'm so thankful for my symbols to remind me how. 

  What's your symbol?  ;-) 

"Coincidence is God's way of remaining anonymous" - Albert Einstein

"It's hard to believe in coincidence, but it's even harder to believe in anything else." - John Green

25 Things I Know For Sure

I dedicate this blog post to my grand babies.  I wanted to put some of my "truths"  in writing for them just in case for some reason I'm no longer on this earth to share with them  in person as they grow, they will find them here: 

25 THINGS I KNOW FOR SURE:

I've learned to never say never.  I hope your experiences with this lesson are learned quickly and with little pain. 

I  have a therapist/lifecoach that I visit once a month.  Most of the time I don't even have any crisis going on in my life to discuss.   I believe my monthly visits are why.  Don't be afraid to do the same.

I don't believe in coincidence.  I believe everything happens for a reason and although we may not understand at the time, we will someday. 

I often wish I could go back in time and be a better, more wise , parent to my older kids.  I re-live moments in my mind and desperately wish I could do them over differently.  I now understand I wouldn't be a better, more wise,  parent today if not for the mistakes of my past and I am still learning.  For that,I am thankful.  Don't relive your past with regrets, use it to make a better today.

I feel more comfortable in a group of males than I do in a group of females and it has NOTHING to do with male attention.  I was raised with only brothers and I grew up loving to do "boy things".  I had all boy cousins that I spent my weekends with on the farm on my dad's side (til I was older).  I worked in a hardware store where my "friends" were older farmer men.  I have felt, for most of my life experiences, males accepted me for who I was without tearing me apart with pre-judgments.  Don't let people's mis-judgments make you feel uncomfortable in your own skin or stop you from doing ANYTHING.  Be yourself ALWAYS.

I was born and raised on the Fort Peck Indian Reservation as were both of my parents.  Although I am German/Norwegian/Bohemian (non-Indian), I love and understand their culture and struggles, and will defend them to the end.  I want you to see things through the eyes of others with compassion, respect, and understanding and without judgement. 

I  love hearing about people that have been married for a very long time.  I used to be ashamed that I've had 2 failed marriages.  Don't ever be ashamed of yourself.  Your struggles are what give you strength and wisdom.  Your inner scars are what give you beauty and help you to create the life you were meant to live. 

I have a 7th sense that I got from my mom and it can be very persistent.  If you get it too, embrace it and use it to do good.  Listen to your nudges and act on them. 

Alot of the time my antennas are on too strong and I often hear and know things that people don't know I heard them say or do.  It can be very hurtful if I let it.  If this happens to you, rise above and focus on all of the good.  Be grateful and none of it will affect you.

Being grateful is the answer to EVERYTHING.  When you chose to be grateful, your whole life will change and it happens very quickly.   ~What you focus on with gratitude, you will get more of! ~

I used to struggle with really  liking myself.  Once I had a dream that I (as an adult) was babysitting myself (as a little girl).   I believe that dream showed me to love and have compassion for the little girl inside of me that is still there.  I can't tell you how much that dream changed how I felt about myself.  From then on, I wanted to help her, love her, and take care of her.....  Love your little child inside. :' )

Accepting and loving people the way they are and not needing to change them or make them the way I think they should be, is a very tranquil, peaceful way to live.  Love people just the way they are.

Correcting someone or having to be right just causes friction.  It's better to be peaceful and happy, than it is to be right.  Let it go, choose happy.

The more you give, the more you will receive x10.  This is soooo true.  Give to others.

There is good in every person and every tragedy.  Look for it.

Keep an open mind.  The majority of people thought Columbus was crazy when he said the world was round.  Closed minded people are often miserable.  Be willing to look at things with an open heart and mind.

Complaining about things or people only brings more of what you are complaining about into your path.  Find the positives and you will draw more of that into your path.  Life is good.

Thinking about what happened yesterday or what you need to get done tomorrow, robs you of today.  Notice the colors around you, the smells, find the beauty, be grateful.  Live in the moment because that is where you will find peace.

Judging or criticizing other people's religion or political views only brings negative energy to you.  Keep an open heart.  Diversity teaches us so much.  Accept it.  Believe and live how you chose to,  and let others do the same.

Find what your passionate about and do just that.  Whatever gives you energy and excitement is your calling.  Find a way to make a living doing it and you will be successful.

A cluttered house creates a cluttered mind.  Simplify. 

Make traditions. Traditions give a sense of unity and stability. 

Take care of your skin.  lotion lotion lotion,  drink lots of water and get enough rest.  Someday you'll thank me for this one. 

When someone is hurtful, unfair or cruel to you, have compassion.  Something really sad and heartbreaking must have happened to them in their past to make them the way they are.  Forgive.

Don't be afraid to die.  We are all spiritual beings having a human experience.  Our soul never dies.  We are not in the same physical body we were when we were 2, but we're still alive just as we will still live on after this body dies.  Remember, if I go on before you, I will ALWAYS be with you...keep an open mind and heart and you will know. :)

Two Wolves

Two Wolves

An old Cherokee is teaching his grandson about life. “A fight is going on inside me,” he said to the boy.
“It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One is evil – he is anger, envy, sorrow, insensitivity, spite, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.” He continued, “The other is good – he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. The same fight is going on inside you – and inside every other person, too.”
The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, “Which wolf will win?”

The old Cherokee simply replied, “The one you feed.”


      I've always been fascinated with Wolves.  I find them stunning, powerful, and mysterious.  Maybe it started because I grew up in Wolf Point, MT... home of the Wolves. :)  We had a beautiful stuffed Wolf in a big glass case in our High School Lobby.  I loved that and Wolves have always been an important symbol in my life.  I'm not sure if that was a factor in why this fable had such a big impact on me the first time I read it (gave me goosebumps) or not.  Ether way, it has always stuck with me and each time I come across it, with more life experience under my belt, the more it means to me.

      I've struggled with self-doubt, inferiority, and insecurities in my life.  The battle of the two Wolves is going on inside of me and as I grow as a person, I'm wanting to learn to feed only the Wolf that is good.  Life gives us many opportunities to gain strength through our struggles.  I am thankful for the negative people and situations that are thrown in my path.  Learning to rise above them without getting sucked into their game and staying positive feeds the Wolf that is good.

     Im a strong believer in The Law of Attraction and that law states that whatever energy I am putting out, I am attracting back to myself.  If I'm feeling or talking negatively, as minor as it may be, I am attracting more negativity to me.  If I am feeling and talking positively, thats what will be attracted into my life, more positive.  Surrounding myself with positive people and eliminating or limiting (when eliminating is impossible) my time with negative people is helpful.

     The way Im feeling is directly related to the energy I'm sending out and which Wolf I'm feeding.  It is a fact that it is impossible to feel mad, sad, depressed, confused etc... AND FEEL GRATEFUL at the same time.  For me, choosing to feel grateful in these moments is the answer.   If I'm feeling frustrated, insecure, depressed, angry, etc etc, I'm feeding the wrong Wolf and I'm attracting more of the same into my life.  Redirecting my thoughts to my many blessings from the green grass, the sky, my kids, my husband and even appreciation for the air I'm breathing...immediately starts to dissolve the negative. 

     I haven't always had the knowledge to battle back at the Evil Wolf and I still have moments of insecurities.  I say things that come out wrong or not how I intended.  I then question myself on how my words were interpreted by the receiver and then I react insecurely and the crazy cycle begins.  Sometimes feelings of inadequacy cause me to inadvertently try to impress others to help me feel more adequate, but always this will backfire, feeding the Evil Wolf and attracting more and more of these inadequate feelings. This is a red flag for me to step away and get my feelings back in check, back to being grateful.

     I'm sure if you've read my past blogposts you already know that when I'm on a lower frequency and not feeding the Wolf that is good, I get effected by others talking negatively about me.  When I feed  the Wolf that is good, others talking negatively about me doesn't effect me at all.  It helps to remember that if someone is talking neg about me, I've got to avoid falling into their trap and responding by doing the same.  I must feed the Wolf, the good one, and find and say good about others.  I try to remember to play a game with myself.  If I catch myself saying something negative about something or someone, my game is to finish off my thought by saying..."but I'm really thankful that"... and add something positive about that person or thing to replace my negative statement. 

Staying calm when life is throwing the Evil Wolf in my path is a big challenge but will greatly effect the outcome of my situation.  Having control of my feelings is what I'm aiming for.  Telling myself "I am calm", has helped me when I get anxious.  There was a study done on brain cells and it's amazing how our body and mind are connected and work together.  When you say something to yourself and really believe it, your brain cells will respond by reproducing themselves in that area to make your statement true.  The minute you have doubt, they stop.  That is so interesting to me.  Telling myself that I am healthy and really feeling it, will cause my body to respond exactly in that way.  My healthy cells will start to reproduce to bring health to my body.  So you can see how telling myself that I'm calm, and taking the time to think about what blessings I do have, causes my body to react to calm me.  If I tell myself I am sick, tired, stressed, my body will start to reproduce the cells that make this true or continue to happen.  Since I've learned about this study just recently, I keep telling myself I have awesome abs, youthful skin and thick hair! Haha...Keep on reproducing cells!! :P

     Having this knowledge also gives me compassion for those who are feeding the Evil Wolf.  Everyone is at a different stage in their journey and I'm far from where I want to be. I know that when people make mistakes, they are acting out of their own pain and as Lily Fairchilde says, "Deep down even the most hardened criminal is starving for the same thing that motivates the innocent baby: Love and acceptance” - 

     With my many inner battles going on, I've learned that once I am aware of which Wolf to feed and how to feed it, life can be much easier and more amazing than I had ever imagined.  My prayer is that my children and grandchildren (and everyone) learn how to feed the Wolf that is good, my hope is that they suffer less by learning this at a much younger age than I, and my dream is that they remain grateful for all that they have, and are, and understand it's as simple as a decision as to which Wolf to feed. 

FEED THE WOLF, THE ONE THAT IS GOOD!

Nudges :)

"For the spiritual being, intuition is far more than a hunch. It is viewed as guidance or as God talking, and this inner insight is never taken lightly or ignored." ~ Wayne Dyer

MY own personal definition of a "nudge" is: 
An inner (from the soul) interruption of whatever I am doing that brings consciousness to something going on around me, outside of myself, that requires my unselfish, non-judging, compassionate attention and action.

     This is such an exciting and extremely special subject to me! I absolutely LOVE getting nudges because in that moment I feel so close to my God as it is one way he chooses to speak to me,  I feel special for being chosen, and I feel worthy for being given a purpose.  Thinking back on some of my nudges brings happy tears and swells my heart.  I believe the secret to feeling good about oneself is in giving to others and my nudges help me to do this in such a profound way because my nudges always require some form of giving.  

     When I'm feeling down or insecure about myself or something, I've found my cure is in GIVING.  Giving immediately takes away my self-pity and focuses my attention on someone else in a positive way. It gets me back on track and puts my self-esteem where it should be and my attitude in check.  It let's me feel GRATEFUL for what I have and puts things in perspective.  If I have a hard decision to make, giving of myself puts me in the right frame of mind to make the right decision.  Deepok Chopra says "Giving connects two people, the giver and the receiver, and this connection gives birth to a new sense of belonging." How cool is that for all involved?! 


     I know that we all get nudges whether we are aware or not, or wether we chose to ignore them or not.  I know that I have had nudges all my life starting as a little girl.  I remember feeling them very clearly back then and I'm always working on getting back to that level of awareness.   Life and it's hustle-bustle, stress, difficulty, and negativity tend to take that awareness away from us if we let it.  I know that I feel my nudges more often now when I have an open, loving heart and mind.  Living in the now and being in that space that is the present, also helps me to 'hear' these nudges.  I believe we all are getting them throughout our busy days.  I KNOW that these are Gods way of asking us to pass along a gift that has once been passed to us.

     I haven't always acted on my nudges because of some excuse or another.  Every day I'm getting better at recognizing them and I'm more and more thankful for the joy I feel from responding.  I'm learning that when I do, it is such a huge blessing and I'm also reminded that giving back to someone is much more rewarding than keeping it to myself.  Nudges can ask us to sacrifice of ourselves in big ways or small and some require more time and energy than others. They can also be as simple as an encouraging word, a story of hope, a hug, a meal, an acknowledgement, seeing someone in need and anonymously giving to them, (I love finding creative ways to be anonymous) a smile to a stranger (who knows, they may be feeling alone or unloved), forgiveness to someone we feel is undeserving remembering that our God forgives us when we are so undeserving, feeling compassion to those that are difficult to feel compassionate for, Etc etc.  When I am in the mental state that I need to be in, I don't need to look for ways to give, my nudges just make me aware.

     Sometimes I feel a nudge and I second guess it.  I have to remember that acting on my nudge without judgement is my part, the rest is up to God.  Helping a stranger or giving cash to a homeless person because of a nudge, is what I'm called to do without trying to judge if that person will use the money appropriately.  God is the one who will judge, and who knows....maybe if they use the money inappropriately,  it will eventually lead them to something amazing and I contributed to that path.  Maybe that's part of the plan.  Who's to say?!  I believe that once I've done my part with an open heart, I am to move on without questioning my actions. 

     My hope for my children is that they listen to their nudges and respond with kindness and compassion.  I want them to know that the more we give, the more we receive and by receiving I don't necessarily mean monetarily.  We can be rich in so many ways.  I want them to know that being grateful is the answer to a JOY-FILLED life and being grateful is directly proportionate to giving and THAT... I know for sure. :)

Forgiveness is giving up the possibility of a better past and living in a magnificent present.

My intention for todays blog post was for me to write down and organize my thoughts but mostly I dedicate this to my children.  My hope is that they learn from their mistakes more quickly and less painfully than I.  :)                 

     Life has a way of teaching us many hard lessons, and for some of us, like moi, it takes more than once for it to sink in.  I was always the kid that had to actually find out for myself if the consequences of my actions were really so... and then re-test the hypothesis.  (Hmmm, reminds me of a kid or two of mine, I always wondered where they got it?)  I now understand my parents frustration as I watch my children or other loved ones use this same method of "learning".   It's difficult to let the lessons be learned without interfering.  But sometimes, by doing so, we are loving them even more. (Thanks parents!) 

     On the bright side, we all get to choose how we want to move on from our mistakes and not repeat them.  It took me many years to figure this out and believe that I really had that power.  Until then, I was just living day to day letting life come to me and dealing with situations as they came.  I didn't feel that I had much control over what was going to happen next and I felt somewhat lost.  I didn't even like myself much.  My harboring of guilt and shame, led to making more bad choices and feeling more guilt and shame. 

     I don't believe I'm a victim of circumstances, although certain things do happen beyond our control, but most negative situations happen to us because of our own poor choices.  Once we quit living in the past and using the sad story we keep telling ourselves as a crutch and excuse not to move on, we can navigate ourselves onto a new path and start choosing the way we want our life to be.  We get to choose!  I'm so thankful that I fully understand that now and it's not just meaningless words to me.  There are always more choices than I realize.  Even doing nothing, is a choice. 

"To be able to move on, one has to learn to forgive not only the person who has done one wrong but also forgive oneself."- Eugenia Tripputi

     For me, it is harder to forgive myself for the mistakes I've made.  I can usually let go of the anger or hurt that I feel towards other people easier than I can for myself.  Guilt/shame is a horrible feeling.  Forgiving myself for past mistakes is really hard for me, but by far the most liberating, shackle-breaking, freeing choice that I can choose to make.  Life is full of responsibilities that have 'built-in guilt mode' attached to them.  Motherhood puts a lot of pressure on us to raise perfect children.  God forbid, if our children have struggles or make a poor choice, as mothers we take on the blame. 

     For many years, and up until about the past 5-6 years, I held on to the guilt and shame of not one, but two, failed marriages. (Once again, I had to re-test another hypothesis)  I was raised with the belief that divorce was not an option, and after my first divorce, I felt I was a letdown to my family.  Much of society loves to judge and "take sides" not knowing or understanding the details, and without walking in our shoes.  They just love to kick us when were down.  I made choices when I was in this low state, that kept me going down the path of hardship and difficulty without even realizing it at the moment.  Most of the time I was struggling to seek some type of acceptance because I wasn't getting it from myself, the person I needed it from most.  As a lot of us know, divorce can be hard and ugly both financially and emotionally.  I felt so guilty that my kids had to endure divorce and my older kids had to be put through that whole ordeal TWICE.  After my second divorce, I decided that I was done with marriage forever.  My kids had been through too much and from now on, it was just going to be us.  I changed my last name to my maiden name and chose to be content with my crazy, fast-paced, very difficult but rewarding life as a single mom of 6, forever and ever Amen.       

     Don't get me wrong, I've always believed in the concept of successful marriages.  I LOVE to hear stories about happily married couples that were high school sweethearts and are still very much in love and happy 20-30+ years later.  I sometimes wished that was me, but then I quickly remember to be thankful for all I've learned and how far I've come BECAUSE of my mistakes.  I have one set of grandparents that were married just shy of 76 years until my Grampa passed away earlier this year, and another set of grandparents that have been married 68 years and counting.  I am so proud of that!

     Thank goodness life doesn't always go the way we plan it because a little over 2 years after my second divorce, I met Kevin.  I can't really describe what happened when we first met.  It wasn't one of those romantic love story novel type situations, in fact I really can't explain it in words.  The best I can do is tell you, my aura was very much drawn to and attracted to his aura.  I know that sounds weird but it's the only way I know how to say it.  By attracted, I mean much different and deeper than physical, it was more spiritual if thats possible to say.  Kevin explains it the same.  I knew nothing about him, but I was very much drawn in.  It was amazing how quickly we clicked.  Our souls were a match.  He truly "gets me", sometimes better than I get myself.  I can't describe our relationship in words but those who know us, know what I'm trying to say.  We really couldn't be more perfect for each other.  I can read him like a book.  I know his heart and mind and he knows mine.  I could go on and on about this but I know of a friend or two who will read this and "puke in their mouth"...again... so I'll stop here :).  When Kevin and I first met, his divorce wasn't yet finalized.  Him having been single for at least a year or five, would've been a better scenario, I agree.  Looking back, there's always a better way to do things.  Its hard not to put myself back in the cycle of guilt.  Once again, I remind myself to be thankful for the lessons learned and wisdom received from my past.  Sooo, I'm crumpling up that 'regret', throwing it in the trash and closing the door behind me as I walk out. 

     I hope it doesn't sound like I've criticized my ex-husbands at all in this post.  I take full responsibility for being somewhat of a lost soul with little self-esteem in my past relationships.  I didn't like myself a lot of the time and I know that caused many issues and effected my choices.  Both of my ex-husbands have taught me many things about myself and caused me to look at myself and make changes.  (thank-you!)  They've given me beautiful children that fill my heart.  Any anger or hurt I had towards them has turned to compassion.  I want them both to be happy and content too.  I am grateful for the father that my second husband is to my boys, and that we get along and co-parent together the best we know how.  I know he wants the best for our boys and that they are being taken care of very well when they visit him.  For that, I am forever thankful. 

     Today, I am looking at my life-mistakes as stepping stones and not using them for excuses, blame, or reasons for harboring shame.  Even though I am thankful for the wisdom and growth my mistakes have given me, I take responsibility for any hurt I have caused along the way, and I have forgiven myself and moved on.  I am learning every situation, no matter how devastating, has positive blessings all around it.  I am thankful that I went against my plan of never remarrying.  I am thankful my kids now have an example of what a marriage can be.  They have an amazing step-dad that loves and supports them and is there for them always.  They have an awesome step-sister that brings lots of amusement, fun and love to our family along with 2 great step-brothers who fill our home with comedy, adventure and companionship.  We have a successful family unit that is continually changing and shifting and we are choosing to continually make adjustments, never stop learning from mistakes and growing, and love our life along the way.  One of the biggest lessons I've learned and continually remind myself is that WHEN PEOPLE MAKE MISTAKES, THEY ARE ACTING OUT OF THEIR OWN PAIN.  Knowing and understanding this helps me to more easily forgive myself and others, and feel compassion for those that keep making the same mistakes.  Because once upon a time, that was me. 



10 OF THE MANY, MANY LIFE-LESSONS MY HUSBAND HAS TAUGHT ME: 

1. There is humor in EVERY situation and laughter is THE BEST medicine.
 
2.  Handling situations in a calm, controlled manner, is much better than flying off the handle. :)

3.  His heart is bigger than the state of Montana and we both cry (I mean our eyes water) during sad movies, or documentaries or Oprah, or Dr Phil, or...

4.  Anybody that drives with their elbow (me) shouldn't be driving at all.  According to him, I'm the worst driver ever, even though I've never gotten in a wreck and I think I've had one speeding ticket in my life! :P 

5.  If your going to do something, go all out.  GO BIG, LIFE IS SHORT!

6.  Life is a BLAST and even doing chores can be fun if you choose.

7.  If I mix red-bull with bud-light, I can be a chatty-Kathy and hang with the adults further into the night.  (great Vegas trick)

8.  He is never too busy to stop on the side of the road in the middle of no-where, chase a stranger's baby sheep for 45 minutes to lift the poor scared thing back to the other side of the fence, to reunite with it's mother. :')

9.  Humble = sexy

10.  That he loves me more than anything, including my flaws, and just being me is the best person to be. 

"Sticks and stones will break my bones but words will break my heart." ~ Robert Fulghum

     I just received a "nudge" to write about this, first thing when I woke up this morning.  Not sure why, or for whom this might be intended for.  Maybe this is meant for one of my children to read in the future, or present time, because they are having a struggle with this too.  I try not to question my "nudges" and just listen and respond the best way I know how.  So here it goes, without professional editing or word choice, just me, listening and responding to my nudge. :)
     In the past I've always let other peoples hurtful words pierce through me like a knife.  I'd let that pain linger and continue to twist and turn inside me for many days.  It would consume me and effect my relationships with those that truly mattered because I would obsess about the hurt that was inside me due to someone else's words or actions.  As I'm writing this, part of me can remember and almost feel the devastation that those mean, hurtful words or actions would cause.  It took me many years to finally realize that other peoples hurtful words, directed at me, were not about me.  It was all about an experience that person has had in their past, to cause them to strike out and direct their anger or hurt at me.  I may have done something that reminded them of a situation that was directly related to a past experience that caused them fear, or pain.  Fear, can be fear of losing control of the situation, fear of not being adequate, fear of rejection, vulnerability etc etc.  I've learned someone who is insecure, will lash out and say or do hurtful things to make another person feel as low and wounded as they do.  They may think that it will help them feel better about themselves and their condition.  I'm not trying to be Miss Teacher or a know-it-all, please don't take me that way.  We've all heard this and "know" this but REALLY understanding it has helped me more than words can say.  

   These days I am choosing to be happy, content and excited to live each day no matter what someone else says or does to try to bring me down, or their attempts to hurt me.  There was a time when I knew I wanted to be able to make this choice but wasn't sure how.  I was desperate to find out.  I've learned that feeling COMPASSION for these people and understanding and empathizing with their hurt has changed the way I view everything in life.  Somewhere, sometime in their life, they have been injured and are struggling to find their happiness and don't quite know how to do it either.  I have to remember, it's not really about me, and have compassion and forgiveness for that person and the cruelty they are trying to inflict.  I know I've done the same thing myself.  I've done it many times out of my own insecurities and fears.  I definitely don't want to play the victim, because I am guilty.  It's something I've always tried hard not to do even as a little girl, but we are all human.  I think I was probably in 4th or 5th grade when I made a deal with God.  I told him that I didn't want to talk bad about other people or do hurtful things to others, but I needed his help.  I asked him to please tap me on the shoulder or make my tummy feel sick to remind me of what I was doing so I would stop.  Sometimes, I wouldn't realize that I was speaking negatively about someone until I already had, or if I was in a group of girls that were bashing someone, and I was agreeing with it all, it was hard to realize what was really going on until the damage was already done.  Because of this, I made my deal with God.  He sure pulled through on his end because after the deal was made, I would feel nauseous almost instantly after something negative about someone came out of my mouth.  Funny thing is, it still happens today.  I am sooo thankful for God sticking with our deal even, 31 years later!

     I'm grateful that my parents raised me knowing God and having a relationship with him pretty much as long as I can remember.  There were times I pushed him away or when I didnt really like him very much but he's always been there.  I remember a time about 11 years ago when I was struggling with insecurity and really letting other peoples words hurt and effect me.  I had found out that a group of women were talking negatively about me.  It hurt me so bad.  I couldn't stop thinking about it, it was affecting my relationships with my friends and kids because I was swimming in a pool of devastation, hurt and anger, trying to figure out WHY they would be talking so negatively about me.  What did I ever do to them?  Who are they to judge me?  Etc etc.  It sounds silly to me now but I let it consume me for about a week or so, then something really cool happened to me, and I've only shared it with a couple people until now.  It was a Sunday morning and we went to church like we tried to on most Sunday's.  My dad was in town and we usually sat in the back row, but because of his poor sight (severe macular degeneration), this week we sat up close to the front.  I went into the row first, followed by my dad and then my husband.  The music was already playing so I sat down quietly.  I noticed to my left was an elderly couple probably in their mid eighties or so.  I was sitting next to the man and he smiled at me with a warm friendly smile.  We didn't have much interaction during the service of course, but I remember passing out pens to my dad and husband and not having one for myself to take notes on the weekly handouts we were given. (I planned on sharing with my dad)  The elderly man noticed, and gave me one of his pens to use.  I smiled and thanked him.  I listened through the sermon and tried not to think about the negative things those girls had said about me, it was hard to concentrate because I really let it consume my thoughts.  After the sermon, everyone stood up to leave and I turned to my left to return the pen to the kind man next to me.  He touched my shoulder and he said something like this, "Don't let anything hurtful anyone says or does to you, effect you negatively.  If it does, imagine your in a room with a trashcan. Take those words, or actions and crumple them up like a piece of paper (he motioned like he was crumpling up paper), toss it in the trash, and then close the door to that room behind you and walk out."  He ran his hand down my shoulder and touched my hand.  He then smiled at me and turned around to steer his wife down the row to join the herd of people in the isle heading to the back of the church to exit. I just stood there with goosebumps all over me.  I tried to think of what the preacher said in the sermon that day that might provoke the man to say that to me, but the sermon had NOTHING to do with his words to me or anything to do with peoples hurtful words etc.  I then tried to look into the crowd of people making their way out to see if I could see the elderly couple.  Did I imagine that whole interaction?  I knew it really happened.  Was he an angel?  Did he disinigrate into thin air?  I didnt think so but maybe he could sense something was wrong with me?  Maybe he just said that to me and had no idea why or what he was saying, but some higher force "nudged" him to.  I get "nudges" all the time and I can't wait to share more about them, maybe next time.  Anyway, whatever the reason for that man's words, I was in  awe.  I felt a blanket of love and warmth around me.  I knew and was again reminded that I had a higher power looking out for me and letting me know he was still there.  I was grateful for that man, grateful that I went to church that day and sat right where I sat.  Coincidence, I think not!  Remember as I said before, I don't believe in coincidence, I believe it's God's way of being anonymous.

     So today if anyone says or does something hurtful to me.  I first remember IT IS NOT ABOUT ME.  I try to understand and have compassion for the person saying or doing the hurtful act because something in their life isn't right.  They are sad or wounded and looking for a way to fix it.  Underneath their anger or fear is hurt, and they are lashing out.  THEN, I picture myself in a room with a trashcan, crumple up whatever hurts me, toss it in the can (it always makes it on my first try) :), and close the door behind me as I walk out of the room.  I think of that little old man every time and and it brings tears to my eyes.  I don't think I could ever remember what he even looked like but ill never forget how he made me feel. 

    

"If you judge others, you will have no time to love them." ~ Mother Teresa

I have never liked the feeling of being judged by people who thought if I didn't think, feel, live, look-like or believe the same way as they did, I was wrong, and I don't want to be that person to others.  I know I've been guilty of this in the past, but I'm working on eliminating it in my future.  Sometimes its hard because we don't want our loved ones to make the same mistakes we did, or take the harder road.  Over the past 10+ years I have worked hard to truly accept that everyone should be able to live how they choose, as long as they aren't hurting others.  You know, "Live and let live".  Who am I to say my way is better?  Or my way is the right way for you?  I don't want to believe that now, and I want to appreciate the fact that my world is diverse.  I love having friends of all different kinds, colors, cultures, backgrounds, lifestyles.  It's exciting how much more full my life is with all of these different people in it.  Peoples lives are so interesting to me and I find there are always lessons to be learned from each one of them.

     My oldest son has taught me many lessons in life without even knowing it.  Each of my kids have taught me lessons, but today I'm talking bout his.  His experiences have been much different than my other kids have and he has chosen paths than I could've never imagined.  Our life together hasn't been easy, and I have been through many painful endeavors with him, to say the least.  He's 23 now but so far in his short lifetime he has challenged me beyond words.  My son is a very smart kid, he was in extended studies all through school and tested in the 98% on his national tests.  He also suffers from ADHD and was diagnosed at 7 yrs old after seeing 4 doctors and getting the same diagnosis 4 times.  I didn't believe there was such thing and thought most kids with ADHD were mis-diagnosed.  I thought ADHD was a parent's excuse for not disciplining their kids.  I felt that way until I met Dr Johnson, who made me a believer that some kids really do have this problem and my son was one of them.  My son was a challenge for me since he was about 2 years old and I am thankful for our struggles now, even though then, at times, I thought I'd break.  I wouldn't take back all the heartache and stress for the lessons he's taught me.  We've been through so much together and thankfully I've been able to learn some life skills along the way.  I know I wasn't the perfect mom and I was very young.  I did the best I knew at the time and was struggling to grow up myself.  I believe everything happens for a reason and/or lesson. I've learned to accept the time I had raising my son for what it was, forgive myself for what I did wrong, and just be here now to love and support him.  I've learned the difference between supporting and enabling, and it's a continual learning experience for me.  He's also taught me to never judge other parents of struggling teens.  I know that we can teach our children everything we want to, but they are not robots.  They have a mind of their own and have the ability to make their own decisions, especially when they become 18. 
     
    From about age 15-18 my life with my son was probably the most difficult.  His father passed away when he 15 and they both loved each other very much.  Although they didn't have a close relationship, the idea that now it could never happen, was enough to put my son over the edge.  During these years I got to know many of the local policemen, youth probation officers, and judges.  But at 19, he made a decision that will continue to effect me forever.  He chose to be homeless.  Definitely not the life I would choose for him.  He knew he always had the option to stay here in our home, with just a few rules, but he made the choice to be homeless.  This truly broke my heart and was one of the most difficult things I'd been through with him.  The burden of worry and stress, of not knowing if he was safe, hungry or cold, is indescribable.  Like I said before, I've been through many hard situations with him and It's taken me some time to have the peace in my heart that I feel for him now, and I still am working on it. 

     I've struggled with accepting homelessness, because there are many people that don't choose to live like this. That's a whole different topic and my heart breaks for people forced into this situation.  I'm talking about those that choose this lifestyle.  Believe it or not, many actually choose to live this way, maybe not consciously, but many people have other options they choose to ignore or deny. 

     Trying to see the world through clear, unbiased eyes and an open heart is what I'm continually striving for.  Realizing that just because I don't choose to live that way doesn't make it wrong for him.  Maybe he likes the stress free feeling of not having a mortgage or not having to pay rent?  Or maybe having/paying bills isn't what he wants to do in his life?  Living the way he chose to, means no bills.  Maybe the prideful feeling of getting a raise at a job for some people equals the feeling of a homeless person getting themselves a meal.  Is it the same sense of accomplishment felt by both completely different situations?  How do we know?  I don't want to ever be homeless, but who am I to push my feelings onto someone else? 
    
     I went to visit my son in Portland while he was living this homeless lifestyle a couple years ago, and again, it was one of the hardest things for me to do.  I offered him my hotel room while I was there and let him choose where we ate every meal.  I tried to buy him new clothes and shoes but he was very careful about accepting my offers.  He could only posses as much as he could carry in his backpack and he didn't want 'name brand' clothes that might offend his 'roommates' that also stayed with him at the shelter.  He was sensitive to their feelings and that really touched my heart.  He was kind to the people we walked by on the streets and to the waitresses in the restaurants we ate at.  He has no idea how many times I went into restrooms just to cry my eyes out so he wouldn't see.  And at night while he was sleeping, I quietly cried myself to sleep like I had done many nights at home while worrying about him.  My heart was so heavy for him and I wanted so badly to save him from this lifestyle and bring him home.  He, on the other hand, seemed quite content although he had future plans in the making.  

     Since then, my son has taken some college classes and moved on to live in 2 other states.  He graduated from the Job Corps program and has a skill certification.  I ask myself, why can't he just settle somewhere and get a good job?  Why can't he stay in one place or at one job for long.  All these questions stem from my own judgement of how I feel he should live.  All parents want the best for their kids and want them to be successful, but whose definition of 'success' was I using?  What I feel success is, isn't the same to someone else.  I'm also learning that MY definition of 'successful' has changed quite a bit over the past few years.  To me, the definition of success, is to be happy and content whoever and wherever you are.  We can be happy and content no matter what, if that's what we choose.  I know some people that make lots of money, have amazing college degrees, great high-paying jobs or own their own companies, huge beautiful homes but are totally miserable.  That doesn't feel like successful to me.  Some people in our culture use "things" such as homes, boats, degrees, cars, life-styles etc to measure their worth.  I like to have nice things but I don't believe it makes me better than anyone else just because I do, if I do.  And because people have nicer, bigger, more expensive possessions than me, I don't think they are better than me.  I think we get so brainwashed in our culture.....Ok, I got off track here.... Back to my son... (I think his ADHD may have been genetic! - Duh)
     
     My son, at this moment, is not homeless but he doesn't tend to stay in one place for long and I have no idea what his future holds.  The word "nomadic" has been brought to my attention more than once while talking about my son with others.  Nomadic- what a great word. My son is part Sioux and part Chippewa and very proud of his heritage.  What if he is only being who he was meant to be, but trying to do so in our modern world?  I hope I'm not making excuses for him because if I were, I'd be using my judgement in doing so.  I have recently found peace in my heart for him, and will always love him with all I have no matter what.  Part of that peace has been turning him over to my God.  He can do a much better job with him and I know he's always there, even when I cant be.  Please understand I am not saying that I agree with or accept the wrongs my son has done or things he has done that have hurt others. There are many things that he will have to face our creator with someday, just as you and I will.  But I still cant stop thinking, WHAT IF HE IS ONLY BEING WHO HE WAS MEANT TO BE but in our modern mixed-up world?  I won't be the one to judge. 

So, from now on when I see a homeless person on the street, I smile and say hello whether I choose to give them money or not.  Or when I see some guy driving around in his expensive sports car sporting his rolex and flashy clothes, I smile and understand they are just people like you and I, living in this crazy world, trying to be successful in THEIR OWN way.  And then I quietly thank the man upstairs, and think of my son, for the many lessons they've both taught me. :)

Until we stop competing and comparing...

Competitiveness- I love the concept of balance in my life and this word, has given me some grief, to say the least.  Growing up in a small town, sports and athletic activities were very popular.  Being competitive was a nice compliment, at least that's how my younger mind took it and I still believe that in the right situations, friendly competition is healthy.  In my past, I perceived the word "competitive" to mean ONLY a positive adjective and that's what I wanted to be viewed as.  It wasn't until I understood there was negative side to this, I was able to find a balance that my sub-conscience was desperately seeking.

     In my middle-aged mind I have a little different version of the word  "competitive" and I think I know just when it all started to become clearer to me.  About 4 years ago, I was sitting in a salon chair getting my hair extensions filled, (yes, that's another story) and I happen to glance over at the hair dresser's station to my left.  On  her mirror was a sign, and those words for some reason, would be etched in my mind forever.  It said something like this, NOT UNTIL WE STOP COMPARING OURSELVES AND COMPETING WITH OTHERS, CAN WE TRULY BE RESPECTED.   I thought about that sign off and on throughout the next year or so, and wasn't yet aware of the effect it would continue to have on me.  I wasn't even sure I knew exactly what it meant.  I believe there is no such thing as coincidences and I think we see, read, dream, or experience certain things at certain times when we need them in our life.  Whether we choose to listen to these things is another story and I could go on and on about that too, but not today.

     I believe I needed to read that sign that day, even though it took some time for what it meant to me to sink in.  Those words would continue to haunt me on certain occasions, sometimes too late, but other times they came just in time.   Is it more important for me to win, or more important to me to be respected?...and I had to start with respect for myself.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not necessarily talking about sporting events here, because if any of you know me, NFL football is a big part of my life and I do like my team to win!  I'm talking about relationships and getting along with people. (I guess my Steelers can sometimes fall into this category) :) 

     I began to realize that when I would compare my physical features, clothes, kids, home, jobs, life, car, HAIR, etc, to others, I wasn't being grateful for all I had.  Without being content with my own life, and not being grateful for what I did have, I wasn't able to allow COMPLETE happiness in. Yes, this meant that I even had to find a way to love my fine, (Tales From the Crypt) hair. I'm also learning that there will always be people in our lives that are constantly wanting to compete with us for these materialistic things.  I'm still working on recognizing the challenge and  not allowing myself to get roped into playing the game.  I'm finding that with practice, it starts to become easier. (I'm still practicing)

     Taking myself out of the competition is such a feeling of relief.  That peace, I'm finding, is much better than "winning" the competition. I'm also learning to take it as a compliment, instead of a challenge, when someone chooses to compete with ME. Taking a step back, and removing myself as a 'player' in their game, feels powerful and very serene.  It removes stress and friction in my life that I don't have room for, making space and time for many positives.  Why did it take so long for me to understand this?  I think I needed to go through some classes in the school of hard-knocks before I could truly appreciate and understand the lessons.  I'm a long-term student there and find myself back on campus now and then.  Remember, people make mistakes because they are acting out of their own pain.  The person that is constantly competing with us and causing negative feelings isn't a bad person, they are just searching for someTHING that they think will make them happy.  Feeling compassion for them, keeping them in my prayers, and keeping my thoughts positive, helps me to move on.  Hopefully, someday they too will experience a moment as simple as a little sign hanging on a mirror.  I'm definitely not perfect at this non-competitiveness but I now have knowledge of how I want to handle it, and knowledge to me = power.  As Maya Angelou says, "When we know better, we do better".

     So the arms of my scale start to slowly tip towards the center, as I keep reaching for that balance, in true Libra fashion.

The purpose of my blog :)

Welcome to my blog!
...even if this welcome is viewed just by me, I say welcome! The purpose of my blog is for me to take the time for myself and type out my thoughts, right in front of me, for me to see. I can look back at them or someday my kids may want to read what/how I felt about certain things, or just know their mother's random thoughts. I love to write. I'm not saying I'm good at it, I just love to do it. When trying to communicate my feelings, I feel it's easier for me to justly express myself when I'm writing them down, as opposed to trying to verbalize them. Sometimes when I try to explain or communicate myself, my many emotions get tangled up and it causes my words to come out wrong. I feel I frequently get taken the wrong way, or misunderstood. With writing, my thoughts seem to flow and I'm able to express myself more accurately :). 

My blog is not up for criticism, critique or discussion. It's just my feelings, experiences, and thoughts down for me to see, physically, in front of me. I was telling a close friend of mine my plan to blog to myself, and she asked if she could read my blog too. After thinking about it, I am taking a chance, leaving my "safe-place", and exposing myself by making some of my thoughts public. By doing so, maybe just maybe someone will connect with something I'm thinking, and if anything, they will know they are not alone. 

So here I go on my new writing adventure!