I just received a "nudge" to write about this, first thing when I woke up this morning. Not sure why, or for whom this might be intended for. Maybe this is meant for one of my children to read in the future, or present time, because they are having a struggle with this too. I try not to question my "nudges" and just listen and respond the best way I know how. So here it goes, without professional editing or word choice, just me, listening and responding to my nudge. :)
In the past I've always let other peoples hurtful words pierce through me like a knife. I'd let that pain linger and continue to twist and turn inside me for many days. It would consume me and effect my relationships with those that truly mattered because I would obsess about the hurt that was inside me due to someone else's words or actions. As I'm writing this, part of me can remember and almost feel the devastation that those mean, hurtful words or actions would cause. It took me many years to finally realize that other peoples hurtful words, directed at me, were not about me. It was all about an experience that person has had in their past, to cause them to strike out and direct their anger or hurt at me. I may have done something that reminded them of a situation that was directly related to a past experience that caused them fear, or pain. Fear, can be fear of losing control of the situation, fear of not being adequate, fear of rejection, vulnerability etc etc. I've learned someone who is insecure, will lash out and say or do hurtful things to make another person feel as low and wounded as they do. They may think that it will help them feel better about themselves and their condition. I'm not trying to be Miss Teacher or a know-it-all, please don't take me that way. We've all heard this and "know" this but REALLY understanding it has helped me more than words can say.
These days I am choosing to be happy, content and excited to live each day no matter what someone else says or does to try to bring me down, or their attempts to hurt me. There was a time when I knew I wanted to be able to make this choice but wasn't sure how. I was desperate to find out. I've learned that feeling COMPASSION for these people and understanding and empathizing with their hurt has changed the way I view everything in life. Somewhere, sometime in their life, they have been injured and are struggling to find their happiness and don't quite know how to do it either. I have to remember, it's not really about me, and have compassion and forgiveness for that person and the cruelty they are trying to inflict. I know I've done the same thing myself. I've done it many times out of my own insecurities and fears. I definitely don't want to play the victim, because I am guilty. It's something I've always tried hard not to do even as a little girl, but we are all human. I think I was probably in 4th or 5th grade when I made a deal with God. I told him that I didn't want to talk bad about other people or do hurtful things to others, but I needed his help. I asked him to please tap me on the shoulder or make my tummy feel sick to remind me of what I was doing so I would stop. Sometimes, I wouldn't realize that I was speaking negatively about someone until I already had, or if I was in a group of girls that were bashing someone, and I was agreeing with it all, it was hard to realize what was really going on until the damage was already done. Because of this, I made my deal with God. He sure pulled through on his end because after the deal was made, I would feel nauseous almost instantly after something negative about someone came out of my mouth. Funny thing is, it still happens today. I am sooo thankful for God sticking with our deal even, 31 years later!
I'm grateful that my parents raised me knowing God and having a relationship with him pretty much as long as I can remember. There were times I pushed him away or when I didnt really like him very much but he's always been there. I remember a time about 11 years ago when I was struggling with insecurity and really letting other peoples words hurt and effect me. I had found out that a group of women were talking negatively about me. It hurt me so bad. I couldn't stop thinking about it, it was affecting my relationships with my friends and kids because I was swimming in a pool of devastation, hurt and anger, trying to figure out WHY they would be talking so negatively about me. What did I ever do to them? Who are they to judge me? Etc etc. It sounds silly to me now but I let it consume me for about a week or so, then something really cool happened to me, and I've only shared it with a couple people until now. It was a Sunday morning and we went to church like we tried to on most Sunday's. My dad was in town and we usually sat in the back row, but because of his poor sight (severe macular degeneration), this week we sat up close to the front. I went into the row first, followed by my dad and then my husband. The music was already playing so I sat down quietly. I noticed to my left was an elderly couple probably in their mid eighties or so. I was sitting next to the man and he smiled at me with a warm friendly smile. We didn't have much interaction during the service of course, but I remember passing out pens to my dad and husband and not having one for myself to take notes on the weekly handouts we were given. (I planned on sharing with my dad) The elderly man noticed, and gave me one of his pens to use. I smiled and thanked him. I listened through the sermon and tried not to think about the negative things those girls had said about me, it was hard to concentrate because I really let it consume my thoughts. After the sermon, everyone stood up to leave and I turned to my left to return the pen to the kind man next to me. He touched my shoulder and he said something like this, "Don't let anything hurtful anyone says or does to you, effect you negatively. If it does, imagine your in a room with a trashcan. Take those words, or actions and crumple them up like a piece of paper (he motioned like he was crumpling up paper), toss it in the trash, and then close the door to that room behind you and walk out." He ran his hand down my shoulder and touched my hand. He then smiled at me and turned around to steer his wife down the row to join the herd of people in the isle heading to the back of the church to exit. I just stood there with goosebumps all over me. I tried to think of what the preacher said in the sermon that day that might provoke the man to say that to me, but the sermon had NOTHING to do with his words to me or anything to do with peoples hurtful words etc. I then tried to look into the crowd of people making their way out to see if I could see the elderly couple. Did I imagine that whole interaction? I knew it really happened. Was he an angel? Did he disinigrate into thin air? I didnt think so but maybe he could sense something was wrong with me? Maybe he just said that to me and had no idea why or what he was saying, but some higher force "nudged" him to. I get "nudges" all the time and I can't wait to share more about them, maybe next time. Anyway, whatever the reason for that man's words, I was in awe. I felt a blanket of love and warmth around me. I knew and was again reminded that I had a higher power looking out for me and letting me know he was still there. I was grateful for that man, grateful that I went to church that day and sat right where I sat. Coincidence, I think not! Remember as I said before, I don't believe in coincidence, I believe it's God's way of being anonymous.
So today if anyone says or does something hurtful to me. I first remember IT IS NOT ABOUT ME. I try to understand and have compassion for the person saying or doing the hurtful act because something in their life isn't right. They are sad or wounded and looking for a way to fix it. Underneath their anger or fear is hurt, and they are lashing out. THEN, I picture myself in a room with a trashcan, crumple up whatever hurts me, toss it in the can (it always makes it on my first try) :), and close the door behind me as I walk out of the room. I think of that little old man every time and and it brings tears to my eyes. I don't think I could ever remember what he even looked like but ill never forget how he made me feel.
