I have never liked the feeling of being judged by people who thought if I didn't think, feel, live, look-like or believe the same way as they did, I was wrong, and I don't want to be that person to others. I know I've been guilty of this in the past, but I'm working on eliminating it in my future. Sometimes its hard because we don't want our loved ones to make the same mistakes we did, or take the harder road. Over the past 10+ years I have worked hard to truly accept that everyone should be able to live how they choose, as long as they aren't hurting others. You know, "Live and let live". Who am I to say my way is better? Or my way is the right way for you? I don't want to believe that now, and I want to appreciate the fact that my world is diverse. I love having friends of all different kinds, colors, cultures, backgrounds, lifestyles. It's exciting how much more full my life is with all of these different people in it. Peoples lives are so interesting to me and I find there are always lessons to be learned from each one of them.
My oldest son has taught me many lessons in life without even knowing it. Each of my kids have taught me lessons, but today I'm talking bout his. His experiences have been much different than my other kids have and he has chosen paths than I could've never imagined. Our life together hasn't been easy, and I have been through many painful endeavors with him, to say the least. He's 23 now but so far in his short lifetime he has challenged me beyond words. My son is a very smart kid, he was in extended studies all through school and tested in the 98% on his national tests. He also suffers from ADHD and was diagnosed at 7 yrs old after seeing 4 doctors and getting the same diagnosis 4 times. I didn't believe there was such thing and thought most kids with ADHD were mis-diagnosed. I thought ADHD was a parent's excuse for not disciplining their kids. I felt that way until I met Dr Johnson, who made me a believer that some kids really do have this problem and my son was one of them. My son was a challenge for me since he was about 2 years old and I am thankful for our struggles now, even though then, at times, I thought I'd break. I wouldn't take back all the heartache and stress for the lessons he's taught me. We've been through so much together and thankfully I've been able to learn some life skills along the way. I know I wasn't the perfect mom and I was very young. I did the best I knew at the time and was struggling to grow up myself. I believe everything happens for a reason and/or lesson. I've learned to accept the time I had raising my son for what it was, forgive myself for what I did wrong, and just be here now to love and support him. I've learned the difference between supporting and enabling, and it's a continual learning experience for me. He's also taught me to never judge other parents of struggling teens. I know that we can teach our children everything we want to, but they are not robots. They have a mind of their own and have the ability to make their own decisions, especially when they become 18.
From about age 15-18 my life with my son was probably the most difficult. His father passed away when he 15 and they both loved each other very much. Although they didn't have a close relationship, the idea that now it could never happen, was enough to put my son over the edge. During these years I got to know many of the local policemen, youth probation officers, and judges. But at 19, he made a decision that will continue to effect me forever. He chose to be homeless. Definitely not the life I would choose for him. He knew he always had the option to stay here in our home, with just a few rules, but he made the choice to be homeless. This truly broke my heart and was one of the most difficult things I'd been through with him. The burden of worry and stress, of not knowing if he was safe, hungry or cold, is indescribable. Like I said before, I've been through many hard situations with him and It's taken me some time to have the peace in my heart that I feel for him now, and I still am working on it.
I've struggled with accepting homelessness, because there are many people that don't choose to live like this. That's a whole different topic and my heart breaks for people forced into this situation. I'm talking about those that choose this lifestyle. Believe it or not, many actually choose to live this way, maybe not consciously, but many people have other options they choose to ignore or deny.
Trying to see the world through clear, unbiased eyes and an open heart is what I'm continually striving for. Realizing that just because I don't choose to live that way doesn't make it wrong for him. Maybe he likes the stress free feeling of not having a mortgage or not having to pay rent? Or maybe having/paying bills isn't what he wants to do in his life? Living the way he chose to, means no bills. Maybe the prideful feeling of getting a raise at a job for some people equals the feeling of a homeless person getting themselves a meal. Is it the same sense of accomplishment felt by both completely different situations? How do we know? I don't want to ever be homeless, but who am I to push my feelings onto someone else?
I went to visit my son in Portland while he was living this homeless lifestyle a couple years ago, and again, it was one of the hardest things for me to do. I offered him my hotel room while I was there and let him choose where we ate every meal. I tried to buy him new clothes and shoes but he was very careful about accepting my offers. He could only posses as much as he could carry in his backpack and he didn't want 'name brand' clothes that might offend his 'roommates' that also stayed with him at the shelter. He was sensitive to their feelings and that really touched my heart. He was kind to the people we walked by on the streets and to the waitresses in the restaurants we ate at. He has no idea how many times I went into restrooms just to cry my eyes out so he wouldn't see. And at night while he was sleeping, I quietly cried myself to sleep like I had done many nights at home while worrying about him. My heart was so heavy for him and I wanted so badly to save him from this lifestyle and bring him home. He, on the other hand, seemed quite content although he had future plans in the making.
Since then, my son has taken some college classes and moved on to live in 2 other states. He graduated from the Job Corps program and has a skill certification. I ask myself, why can't he just settle somewhere and get a good job? Why can't he stay in one place or at one job for long. All these questions stem from my own judgement of how I feel he should live. All parents want the best for their kids and want them to be successful, but whose definition of 'success' was I using? What I feel success is, isn't the same to someone else. I'm also learning that MY definition of 'successful' has changed quite a bit over the past few years. To me, the definition of success, is to be happy and content whoever and wherever you are. We can be happy and content no matter what, if that's what we choose. I know some people that make lots of money, have amazing college degrees, great high-paying jobs or own their own companies, huge beautiful homes but are totally miserable. That doesn't feel like successful to me. Some people in our culture use "things" such as homes, boats, degrees, cars, life-styles etc to measure their worth. I like to have nice things but I don't believe it makes me better than anyone else just because I do, if I do. And because people have nicer, bigger, more expensive possessions than me, I don't think they are better than me. I think we get so brainwashed in our culture.....Ok, I got off track here.... Back to my son... (I think his ADHD may have been genetic! - Duh)
My son, at this moment, is not homeless but he doesn't tend to stay in one place for long and I have no idea what his future holds. The word "nomadic" has been brought to my attention more than once while talking about my son with others. Nomadic- what a great word. My son is part Sioux and part Chippewa and very proud of his heritage. What if he is only being who he was meant to be, but trying to do so in our modern world? I hope I'm not making excuses for him because if I were, I'd be using my judgement in doing so. I have recently found peace in my heart for him, and will always love him with all I have no matter what. Part of that peace has been turning him over to my God. He can do a much better job with him and I know he's always there, even when I cant be. Please understand I am not saying that I agree with or accept the wrongs my son has done or things he has done that have hurt others. There are many things that he will have to face our creator with someday, just as you and I will. But I still cant stop thinking, WHAT IF HE IS ONLY BEING WHO HE WAS MEANT TO BE but in our modern mixed-up world? I won't be the one to judge.
So, from now on when I see a homeless person on the street, I smile and say hello whether I choose to give them money or not. Or when I see some guy driving around in his expensive sports car sporting his rolex and flashy clothes, I smile and understand they are just people like you and I, living in this crazy world, trying to be successful in THEIR OWN way. And then I quietly thank the man upstairs, and think of my son, for the many lessons they've both taught me. :)
