My intention for todays blog post was for me to write down and organize my thoughts but mostly I dedicate this to my children. My hope is that they learn from their mistakes more quickly and less painfully than I. :)
Life has a way of teaching us many hard lessons, and for some of us, like moi, it takes more than once for it to sink in. I was always the kid that had to actually find out for myself if the consequences of my actions were really so... and then re-test the hypothesis. (Hmmm, reminds me of a kid or two of mine, I always wondered where they got it?) I now understand my parents frustration as I watch my children or other loved ones use this same method of "learning". It's difficult to let the lessons be learned without interfering. But sometimes, by doing so, we are loving them even more. (Thanks parents!)
On the bright side, we all get to choose how we want to move on from our mistakes and not repeat them. It took me many years to figure this out and believe that I really had that power. Until then, I was just living day to day letting life come to me and dealing with situations as they came. I didn't feel that I had much control over what was going to happen next and I felt somewhat lost. I didn't even like myself much. My harboring of guilt and shame, led to making more bad choices and feeling more guilt and shame.
I don't believe I'm a victim of circumstances, although certain things do happen beyond our control, but most negative situations happen to us because of our own poor choices. Once we quit living in the past and using the sad story we keep telling ourselves as a crutch and excuse not to move on, we can navigate ourselves onto a new path and start choosing the way we want our life to be. We get to choose! I'm so thankful that I fully understand that now and it's not just meaningless words to me. There are always more choices than I realize. Even doing nothing, is a choice.
"To be able to move on, one has to learn to forgive not only the person who has done one wrong but also forgive oneself."- Eugenia Tripputi
For me, it is harder to forgive myself for the mistakes I've made. I can usually let go of the anger or hurt that I feel towards other people easier than I can for myself. Guilt/shame is a horrible feeling. Forgiving myself for past mistakes is really hard for me, but by far the most liberating, shackle-breaking, freeing choice that I can choose to make. Life is full of responsibilities that have 'built-in guilt mode' attached to them. Motherhood puts a lot of pressure on us to raise perfect children. God forbid, if our children have struggles or make a poor choice, as mothers we take on the blame.
For many years, and up until about the past 5-6 years, I held on to the guilt and shame of not one, but two, failed marriages. (Once again, I had to re-test another hypothesis) I was raised with the belief that divorce was not an option, and after my first divorce, I felt I was a letdown to my family. Much of society loves to judge and "take sides" not knowing or understanding the details, and without walking in our shoes. They just love to kick us when were down. I made choices when I was in this low state, that kept me going down the path of hardship and difficulty without even realizing it at the moment. Most of the time I was struggling to seek some type of acceptance because I wasn't getting it from myself, the person I needed it from most. As a lot of us know, divorce can be hard and ugly both financially and emotionally. I felt so guilty that my kids had to endure divorce and my older kids had to be put through that whole ordeal TWICE. After my second divorce, I decided that I was done with marriage forever. My kids had been through too much and from now on, it was just going to be us. I changed my last name to my maiden name and chose to be content with my crazy, fast-paced, very difficult but rewarding life as a single mom of 6, forever and ever Amen.
Don't get me wrong, I've always believed in the concept of successful marriages. I LOVE to hear stories about happily married couples that were high school sweethearts and are still very much in love and happy 20-30+ years later. I sometimes wished that was me, but then I quickly remember to be thankful for all I've learned and how far I've come BECAUSE of my mistakes. I have one set of grandparents that were married just shy of 76 years until my Grampa passed away earlier this year, and another set of grandparents that have been married 68 years and counting. I am so proud of that!
Thank goodness life doesn't always go the way we plan it because a little over 2 years after my second divorce, I met Kevin. I can't really describe what happened when we first met. It wasn't one of those romantic love story novel type situations, in fact I really can't explain it in words. The best I can do is tell you, my aura was very much drawn to and attracted to his aura. I know that sounds weird but it's the only way I know how to say it. By attracted, I mean much different and deeper than physical, it was more spiritual if thats possible to say. Kevin explains it the same. I knew nothing about him, but I was very much drawn in. It was amazing how quickly we clicked. Our souls were a match. He truly "gets me", sometimes better than I get myself. I can't describe our relationship in words but those who know us, know what I'm trying to say. We really couldn't be more perfect for each other. I can read him like a book. I know his heart and mind and he knows mine. I could go on and on about this but I know of a friend or two who will read this and "puke in their mouth"...again... so I'll stop here :). When Kevin and I first met, his divorce wasn't yet finalized. Him having been single for at least a year or five, would've been a better scenario, I agree. Looking back, there's always a better way to do things. Its hard not to put myself back in the cycle of guilt. Once again, I remind myself to be thankful for the lessons learned and wisdom received from my past. Sooo, I'm crumpling up that 'regret', throwing it in the trash and closing the door behind me as I walk out.
I hope it doesn't sound like I've criticized my ex-husbands at all in this post. I take full responsibility for being somewhat of a lost soul with little self-esteem in my past relationships. I didn't like myself a lot of the time and I know that caused many issues and effected my choices. Both of my ex-husbands have taught me many things about myself and caused me to look at myself and make changes. (thank-you!) They've given me beautiful children that fill my heart. Any anger or hurt I had towards them has turned to compassion. I want them both to be happy and content too. I am grateful for the father that my second husband is to my boys, and that we get along and co-parent together the best we know how. I know he wants the best for our boys and that they are being taken care of very well when they visit him. For that, I am forever thankful.
Today, I am looking at my life-mistakes as stepping stones and not using them for excuses, blame, or reasons for harboring shame. Even though I am thankful for the wisdom and growth my mistakes have given me, I take responsibility for any hurt I have caused along the way, and I have forgiven myself and moved on. I am learning every situation, no matter how devastating, has positive blessings all around it. I am thankful that I went against my plan of never remarrying. I am thankful my kids now have an example of what a marriage can be. They have an amazing step-dad that loves and supports them and is there for them always. They have an awesome step-sister that brings lots of amusement, fun and love to our family along with 2 great step-brothers who fill our home with comedy, adventure and companionship. We have a successful family unit that is continually changing and shifting and we are choosing to continually make adjustments, never stop learning from mistakes and growing, and love our life along the way. One of the biggest lessons I've learned and continually remind myself is that WHEN PEOPLE MAKE MISTAKES, THEY ARE ACTING OUT OF THEIR OWN PAIN. Knowing and understanding this helps me to more easily forgive myself and others, and feel compassion for those that keep making the same mistakes. Because once upon a time, that was me.
10 OF THE MANY, MANY LIFE-LESSONS MY HUSBAND HAS TAUGHT ME:
1. There is humor in EVERY situation and laughter is THE BEST medicine.
2. Handling situations in a calm, controlled manner, is much better than flying off the handle. :)
3. His heart is bigger than the state of Montana and we both cry (I mean our eyes water) during sad movies, or documentaries or Oprah, or Dr Phil, or...
4. Anybody that drives with their elbow (me) shouldn't be driving at all. According to him, I'm the worst driver ever, even though I've never gotten in a wreck and I think I've had one speeding ticket in my life! :P
5. If your going to do something, go all out. GO BIG, LIFE IS SHORT!
6. Life is a BLAST and even doing chores can be fun if you choose.
7. If I mix red-bull with bud-light, I can be a chatty-Kathy and hang with the adults further into the night. (great Vegas trick)
8. He is never too busy to stop on the side of the road in the middle of no-where, chase a stranger's baby sheep for 45 minutes to lift the poor scared thing back to the other side of the fence, to reunite with it's mother. :')
9. Humble = sexy
10. That he loves me more than anything, including my flaws, and just being me is the best person to be.
